UPDATED (3:10 p.m. ET): Updated with name of suspect.
Finally, our long, national nightmare is over: Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey has been found.
It took a manhunt that used more resources than would be involved if you or I were to go missing (including the FBI, the Texas Rangers, and even Mexican authorities). But the jersey, a piece of clothing that a human wore for a few hours, was finally—FINALLY—located.
Now the mystery deepens as we try to figure out who—WHO INDEED—would besmirch the honor of Tom Brady—nay! AMERICA!—and presume they could get away with such a dastardly deed.
Here’s where shit gets weird: The jersey was found in Mexico. According to the NFL, it was in the possession of a member of the international media.
So someone swiped the jersey and headed south of the border in hopes of… I don’t know what, but this story is something. And it’s still developing. We don’t even know the country of origin for the member of the international media who allegedly swiped the jersey.
But this is America and if there’s one thing we’ve learned to do here, it’s wildly speculate over who could be behind this wide-reaching conspiracy.
BUT! Who is working for? Himself? The Russians? Brady himself? We STILL don’t know, so the following suspects are still in play.
This may seem a bit on-the-nose. After all, Russia has been in the news a lot lately. But that’s what they would want you to think! After all, it’s not like Russia hasn’t pulled this before, with the infamous incident in which Vladimir Putin walked off with Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl ring.
Here’s visual evidence of Putin’s brazen thievery.
Seems Putin could be, ironically, a superfan of an American sports team called the Patriots. Or maybe he’s being ironic and just trolling us all, and when Russia invades America sometime in 2019, he’ll ride in on his magnificent ship wearing nothing but a cowboy hat, some boots, Kraft’s Super Bowl ring, and the Brady jersey.
Now, THAT is an entrance, Donald. Take note.
Or maybe Trump, who really went on about being buddies with Brady, promised the Russians Brady’s jersey. In exchange. For help. On stuff.
Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto
The jersey is valued at $500,000, which isn’t even a drop in the bucket in the total cost of THE WALL that Trump wants Mexico to pay for.
Of course, Nieto has refused to pay for the wall. So, if Nieto made off with the jersey or hired someone else to do it, it’s probably as a big middle finger to Trump.
Our space reporter Miriam Kramer says “it’s never aliens” but I say prove it’s not aliens.
Tom Brady’s jersey was an inside job
There are a lot of potential motivations here: embarrass the NFL by exposing lax security; hold the jersey hostage while posing as a third-party; or take the jersey as a final thumb in the eye of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, mortal enemy of Patriots Nation.
Do you hear those boos? They were like fuel for Brady’s dark soul. In fact, as Brady exchanged an awkward handshake with Goodell after the game, he was probably already thinking of how he was going to smuggle the jersey out of the stadium and leave Goodell with egg on his face.
After all, how do you lose a jersey? And how do you instigate an international search for a jersey?
By doing it yourself.
Wake up, sheeple, it’s Tom Brady’s world, and we’re just living in it.